More Than You Want to Know About VFTs

This past week (on the 6th) Mike and I celebrated our one year anniversary. Our anniversary gift, from ourselves, to ourselves, was a used Wii with Wii Fit, which we have been enjoying immensely. It's an amazing ab workout... and I'm definitely a fan of all the cute balance games. We decided to also spend 5-10 dollars on a surprise gift for each other, to make it a little more fun. Mike got me some chocolate and some silicone bakeware, which made me super happy. I decided we were in need of a "love fern", so I got him a Venus Flytrap.

At the time, the Venus Flytrap (or VFT, as it is known by enthusiasts) seemed like a great choice. They eat bugs, which is cool, and, perhaps more importantly, they were the only living plant I could buy at Meijer. Plus, as I discovered as I looked through them, they have beautiful white flowers. I picked one that looked healthy and had several blooms on it, and brought it home. The next morning, I presented it to Mike. And then (and only then) I started looking into what care was necessary to take care of the plants, to make sure I could keep this symbol of our affection alive.

(The flowers on the one I got Mike are blooming and pretty, but otherwise this is what our plant looks like)

Turns out these VFT's are the most finicky creatures known to mankind. Because they get their nutrients from the bugs they eat, they don't need any in the soil. One would think this would make them easy to care for, because you don't need to worry about fertilizer, but actually it means that the nutrients in ordinary dirt (or ordinary tap water) will give the plant root burn and kill it. It can only tolerate distilled water, and in order to give it the badly needed transplant, we had to buy nutrient-free sphagnum peat moss. The plant is also pretty picky about what bugs it can eat. Anything with a hard outer shell (like a beetle) will kill it, as will anything with any noticeable fat content (like any sort of meat). Caterpillars and other plant eating bugs are off limits unless they are killed first, because they can eat through a trap before the trap can eat through them.

If the humidity drops below 50%, it will die (which is why it needs a terrarium... which makes it awfully difficult for it to catch bugs). If it is over or under watered, it will die. If its traps are triggered too often, it will die. If it doesn't get 4-12 hours of sunlight every day, it will die. If it isn't kept in the fridge during its dormancy period, it will die. And (here's the kicker) if it is allowed to flower, it usually dies.

So, long story short, VFT's do not, apparently, make very good symbols for the health of one's relationship. I'm thinking I'll be lucky if I can keep this thing alive for a month. I guess I should start planning for the divorce?